Perspectives Chapter 1

I once attended a course on building successful relationships and improving marriages that was run by a prominent moral theologian. After several hours of formal input and follow-up group discussion, much of which contained informative and useful insights, I broached the subject of compatibility. To my astonishment, the entire concept was summarily dismissed as being of no importance whatsoever. In that climate, I felt it was pointless to pursue the matter further. That was not the only occasion where I had received a similar response but I remained convinced that a vital issue was being overlooked.

There is a story, set in the southern United States around the time of the civil war, of a young man who, in traditional fashion, had just asked the father of his sweetheart for her hand in marriage. The older man responded to the prospective son-in-law with a single question, “Do you like her?”

“Then you both have my blessing. You see, the beauty and the passion wears off in time, and it's so important to have someone you enjoy being with in ordinary daily life. That's how my wife and I have been happy together all these years.”

The importance of love is long established, but love is not the basis of compatibility. Love has a role in creating some of that compatibility and sustaining the relationship through periods of hardship, but they are very different things. The essence of compatibility is contained in a proper understanding of ‘ liking ' . What happens when we are compatible with a partner, is that they are the cause of positive, pleasant feelings about them, about ourselves and the connection between us. We like them. By contrast, when we are incompatible, the dominant feelings tend to be negative.

This is the simple truth, but the reality is that few partnerships are perfect. Even in the best of relationships there will probably be several things we don't like in the other person. There will also be a few attractive features in the most destructive of liaisons. We therefore need to take a more comprehensive and practical view.

Before proceeding any further it is necessary to point out that liking and compatibility have no unqualified universal meaning. They are specific to the particular type of relationship envisaged. For example, I might like a person as a colleague but not as a marriage partner; as a friend but not as a crew member. In fact, we can be as specific as we want in defining the relationship and assessing the compatibility within that framework. We can also add the dimensions of distance, intensity and frequency of contact. For example, a wife who had a wonderful relationship with her husband before he retired may find it difficult to have him at home all the time. At times people may find themselves unable to get along in a relationship with traditionally defined roles and ways of doing things, and yet may thrive on a radical change of responsibilities and pattern of interaction.

Let us first make a (non exhaustive) list of some relevant feelings that may be connected with a person or a relationship:

For better or worse, it is the feelings that we need to be able to live with, hence they form the background for much of the discussion. What follows are a few observations based on general experience.

Over the centuries, people have attempted to come up with formulas - astrological, psychological, theological or totally illogical - to predict whether a relationship will be successful. They might be based on similarity of interests, cultural backgrounds, beliefs, values, socio-economic class, professional status, intellectual ability, personality traits or age differences to mention a few. We are told that partners should be different but not too different, similar but not too similar and that their zodiac signs should ideally be about three months apart.

When a relationship fails, it is easy to find a scapegoat by referring to a rule that was broken. All that can be said for any of the ‘rules of thumb', however, is that they might increase the odds in your favour if you obey them. Violating them will not condemn you any more than compliance will guarantee eternal bliss. Many of them are based on sound reasoning and long experience and it is wise to take them into consideration, but there are no guarantees: The final responsibility for finding compatibility remains ours alone.

To be able to recognise compatibility, we first need to have developed a level of maturity . We need to know what we want, what we are sensitive to, what we like and dislike and what brings out the best and the worst in us. In other words, we need to know ourselves sufficiently well. There are things we enjoy, things we can tolerate and things we cannot stand. We will always be learning, developing and changing, but as mature people we will be changing more slowly and have a much better idea of our own preferences and capacity.

We need to experience our prospective partner in a sufficiently wide range of situations , particularly those that are important to us. These may involve being alone with them for extended periods, socialising with our peers, travelling, being around children, working on projects, and anything else we may wish.

As a general rule, there is hope for a good relationship if we like ninety percent and dislike ten percent but not the other way around. We do not have the resources endurance or stamina to live with unpleasant feelings when they are there most of the time. Even if we can, we cripple our lives.

If there is anything whatsoever that either party cannot tolerate about the other, they are not compatible. If they are easily and willingly changed by the partner before the relationship proceeds any further, then it may have some future. If the behaviour is a compulsion, addiction or entrenched habit, forget it!

We need to be willing to remain alone or uncommitted rather than in an incompatible relationship. If we cannot do this, then we will inevitably suffer!

Compatibility is not only a question of finding the right person, but being the right person . This means that we have to develop and grow in our ability to manage ourselves and relate to other people with justice, love, understanding and the same desirable characteristics we would like to see in others.

When a person is deeply in love or strongly attached to another it takes enormous self discipline to look objectively at the realities of the relationship. Indeed one is naturally reluctant to do this for fear of shattering the romance. However, when relationships fail (painfully sooner or disastrously later), it is because of the realities.

Although ‘liking' is the ultimate and final arbiter of compatibility, it is the result of observation in the past and present. It cannot always be depended on as a reliable indicator of future developments. Whilst there is no guaranteed insurance against becoming attached to the wrong person, some insight into a person's character can go a long way. In particular one needs to be wary of a few tested pathways to severe disappointment:

There is the use of deception and manipulation, or even outright lying.
There may be un-clarified expectations that are beyond the capacity of the partner to meet. Often people do not take the time to get to know each other well enough to bring these to the surface. Sometimes a person is unreasonably optimistic about his or her own personal resources. One partner may be living beyond their means, whether in terms of income, ability or endurance.
There is an imbalance between interdependence and independence. One partner does not feel free to comfortably be themselves and do their own thing at least to some degree.
One does not care enough about the other person to really listen, learn and make substantial changes.
There is evidence of concealed over-sensitivity and lack of robustness. For example, one party may periodically ‘push the other away' inexplicably, leaving them guessing as to what they did wrong. The deeper issues are always avoided and never clarified.

These points touch on some of the root causes of eventual disharmony. Their own natural consequences are not always direct and immediate, but none-the-less inevitable. Another reason they are dangerous is that they make it much harder for one or the other party to recognise an incompatibility early enough to withdraw from the relationship without hurt.

Our discussion has taken place mainly in the context of intimate personal relationships, but the concept is no less important in any form of working partnership and may be vital in situations where closer interaction is essential. It applies not only in marriage, but in the workplace, the military and in leisure pursuits. In a nutshell, compatibility is the effortless basis of harmony and happy coexistence . In order to be able to ‘get on with our lives' or the ‘mission' rather than waste valuable energy overcoming internal friction, one must learn to recognise incompatibility early enough.

The appropriate response to incompatibility is beyond the scope of this discussion, but it is sufficient to say that there are creative approaches, not only the obvious options of reluctant tolerance and resolving to go separate ways. Overall it helps if we are adaptable, willing to experiment towards extending our comfort zones, have a good sense of humour and don't needlessly exaggerate our feelings to ourselves or the other person. The ultimate destiny of the relationship will depend on the characters of the individuals in it, for in the face of ongoing change, this enables a person not only to find compatibility but also to make some contribution to it.