Perspectives Chapter 9

It can be argued that in most of our relationships with other people, their hidden motives ought not to concern us. It would seem that this attitude is economical in energy, pragmatic in forcing us to concentrate only on whether the result is good or bad for us, non judgemental and avoids endless guesswork with a high probability of being wrong whatever conclusion we draw. The simple fact is that we cannot reliably penetrate another person's mind and even if they tell us their motives in plain language, they may be lying or unintentionally deluding themselves. So why do we often take an interest in the other person's private motives, and when is this interest reasonable?

One practical reason why this interest is natural, is that an insight into a person's motivation helps to make their behaviour more predictable, and given that we assess the motives as honourable, it facilitates trust and brings with it all the benefits that greater openness can provide. Certain types of interaction necessitate a high degree of trust because of the risk and vulnerability involved and we want to assure ourselves that the person into whose power we place our interests is worthy of that confidence.

In possible long-term relationships, we have good reason to enquire into the other person's motives whenever they are relevant to our interests. If your motives for marrying your partner are dominated by financial security, then they have legitimate reason to be concerned about what you might be likely to do if they were out of work for an extended period. One must however, be careful not to unduly over-simplify the situation, for the attraction may be driven by love and sex and security, and provided we can guarantee the last of these, the entire package may be acceptable. Parallel examples could be drawn from the business environment, politics and international diplomacy.

The other person's motives for interacting with us carry implications regarding our own value to them. It makes a difference to us whether we are seen as an opportunity for financial profit or stimulating company. We have a preferred image of ourselves and we would like this to be affirmed, at least in those relationships that are important to us and we do not want to be 'used', especially in a way that suggests a personal value that is less or different from what we place on ourselves. Conversely, what we believe about ourselves tends to be strongly influenced by the way we are treated by those who are important to us, and the implied value the underlying motives place on us. It is important to be wanted for what we want to be wanted.(!!) In other words, we would like the other person to value us as we would like to value ourselves.

We can also be very sensitive to how we do not wish to attract interaction. When several motives are present and one of them is questionable, it may be perceived by us as contaminating the whole relationship. We cannot be sure that it is not the dominant motive, or perhaps we simply have an aversion to being seen in a certain way. In either case, if this involves a significant person in our lives it can lead to feelings of doubt, suspicion and disillusionment about the relationship or even about ourselves. Whether these are justified or not is a different matter.

Where we suspect that pretence, ulterior motives and hidden agendas are relevant to us and likely to be involved, considerable risk may exist and guarded caution could be appropriate depending on how vulnerable we believe ourselves to be. The price of that, of course, is paid in forgoing the joys of intimacy. By contrast, if the motives are eminently transparent, the situation becomes much simpler.

Unproductive as it may be to conjecture the covert motives of every person we deal with, there is considerable benefit in the study of human motivation in general. It is important to understand one's own motives in depth and to appreciate the possible range of motivating factors behind people in different situations. To do otherwise would be to approach life with a very naive view of reality, and leave oneself open to ruthless exploitation. On the other hand, it is not necessary to suspect everyone of operating from motives that are unfavourable to us, for such a cynical view can cripple our own relationships and in any case is not very often correct. The more healthy approach is to recognise our own ignorance in the beginning of any interaction and allow time to reveal the other person's character, giving them progressively more trust as they earn it. If circumstances incline or require us to trust a person we do not know, then we must be mature enough to consciously accept the risks and take the responsibility.

The foregoing discussion was concerned with motives that may lie beneath the surface. However, it is always prudent to have the other person clarify their practical expectations of us very early in any cooperative relationship regardless of whether it is personal, business or otherwise. Even where a role has been defined by tradition, it is not generally safe to assume that the other party is aware of all the customs or accepts them. Expectations ought to be clear and open at every stage and failure to make them so can jeopardise an otherwise potentially fruitful partnership. (This is especially important in 'business' dealings between people who are also otherwise intimately related, for much more is at stake.) In most cases the reasons for these expectations can be discussed openly and unnecessary secrecy tends to breed a disturbing counter-productive atmosphere.

Expectations can be seen as 'motives' of the most overt kind and are usually lawful, reasonable and superficial. An employer's foremost motive for hiring us is to have a job done effectively and that broadly defines his expectations. Beneath these there may be a long chain of deeper motives which may or may not be relevant to us. One must ask oneself how deep is it worth digging?