Viewpoints - Chapter 1

APPROVAL

The craving for approval is as old as humanity and, according to legend, was evidently the principal motivating factor behind the first murder in human history. In the biblical account, Abel's sacrifice was accepted by the Almighty while Cain's offering was treated with disdain. This led to jealousy and conflict resulting in the death of Abel at the hands of his brother.

Approval comes in a variety of forms such as, praise, kudos, standing, respect, compliments, applause, accolades, and reward. Children seek the approval of their parents; teenagers of one another, professionals of their peers, clients and superiors, students of their teachers, entertainers of their audiences and critics. A subtle but important distinction needs to be made between approval as a reward in itself and approval as a form of feedback to confirm the correctness of our direction. Although the same response tends to cover both purposes, the receiver's interpretation and reactions may be very different.

The need for approval stems from the pursuit of happiness itself. At a basic level, we need to cooperate in order to survive. We are almost invariably required to 'specialize and exchange', and for this to be workable, our input must be accepted and sufficiently valued to earn our survival needs. At higher levels, approval is a sign of unity, harmony, inclusion and love, and these form part of the framework of self-respect. Thus, we have many good reasons to want to get things right and be seen to get them right, but by whose criteria?

Some Principles

It is impossible to gain universal approval when different sources have conflicting criteria. We can choose the criteria we will try to satisfy and be content with the approval that comes from the sources that appreciate the standards we achieve. Alternatively, we can focus on the source from which we want approval and seek to satisfy their criteria. Either of these can be workable, but it is rarely possible to do both.

Focusing on particular sources is natural in the formative years as the influence of parents and teachers become key factors in the development of character and personality. As these begin to stabilise, this orientation to approval seeking can become dysfunctional where a person becomes obsessed with a particular relationship through which approval is sought but not forthcoming. The necessary personality or behaviour needed to gain approval may be inconsistent with existing character.

In establishing a working relationship that depends on approval, it is essential to ascertain the standards and criteria on which it depends and work towards satisfying them. However, it is possible that criteria may be in conflict or economically unachievable.

It is pointless seeking approval from those who don't know what they want.

With power over people, we cannot extort real approval, only a show of approval.

Some shows of approval are hypocritical and lack any substance. They may arise out of fear, or the desire to manipulate or please.

The Pursuit of Approval

In the pursuit of approval, the sources and the criteria need to be prioritised. The key sources often considered are the moral authority to which we have allegiance, official sources within the 'system', individual people and ourselves. There are problems connected with all of these:

The standards of our chosen moral authority need to be revealed and interpreted. They may vary according to one's belief system, level of understanding and chosen emphasis.
Official sources within the ‘system' such as appointed judges and panels often operate with hidden agendas, or award artificially scarce approval in a competitive framework.
Other people may be unstable, unknowable and completely indifferent to whatever we do.
Our own approval of our performance can be dominated by perfectionism, superstition and conflict, and be inconsistent with achievable reality.

While the pursuit of approval is a natural and arguably essential part of the pursuit of happiness, it can also be highly dysfunctional causing major personal problems and great un happiness. Some of the reasons can be that

We seek it from an indifferent, manipulative or unstable source.
There is unrealistic perfectionism.
We have an obsession with a source that appears to be impossible to satisfy, leading to endless frustration.
Our own approval seeking process is counter-productive. For example, where approval initially requires the pursuit of attention, accomplishing the first step through notoriety or 'disapproval' does more to sabotage the ultimate aim.
The pursuit of approval is dominated by fear, obsession or unfounded imagined expectations.

For the pursuit of approval to be consistent with emotional health, there must be objectivity, realism and prioritization.

Objectivity is desirable to ensure that criteria serve a tangible purpose and are not simply arbitrary.
Realism is essential in that expected standards must be economically and logically feasible.
Prioritisation is necessary because resources are invariably limited and the desire for approval may be greater than what is achievable. Choices may need to be made as to 'which master we will serve'. We must learn to be content with the consequences of these choices and accept that we cannot satisfy everyone in every way.

The highest priority needs to be our relationship with what we believe in. Our pursuit of approval must start with the criteria and standards that sustain our integrity. Next, we need to consider the sensitivity of other people who are affected by what we do, and give it equal emphasis to our own. The central question needs to be whether the Almighty or the Universe would approve of us in these respects, and do we approve of ourselves? We can then accept and delight in any additional approval that comes our way without being frustrated and devastated when it does not.

It is essential that we manage our own expectations. It is rarely possible to achieve universal approval, as we cannot be all things to all people, or even to any one person. If we speak and act from informed conviction then we must anticipate that some people will disapprove and we have to be prepared to live with that. The approval of others also depends on a large variety of factors beyond our control, some of which may not be predictable or even rational. For these reasons it is far healthier to minimize its active pursuit and be content to appreciate the approval that comes our way as useful feedback.

It is also vital that we manage our lives in such a way that our need for approval is within our capacity to satisfy the standards of those we depend on. This involves being in the position to minimize the desperation and panic factor whenever approval is not forthcoming. In other words, we should be able to fall back on other harmonious relationships, reserves of resources and other areas of performance to reduce our vulnerability to the ‘ups and downs' of approval cycles in different areas of our lives.

Indifference, Rejection and Meaning

Reactions to whatever we are or do can range from highly positive approval through acceptance, tolerance, indifference and rejection, and each of these is directly connected with our sense of purpose and meaning. As I suggested in Perspectives , meaning is relevance, and our sense of mutually beneficial connectedness with other people contributes significantly to this need. Indifference is a denial of connectedness, and rejection is a strong indication of a desire not to be linked at least in some particular way. Approval is, of course, the exact opposite, and therefore naturally tends to make a positive contribution to our sense of meaning.

For meaning to be present in our lives, it is not essential to achieve universal approval in all things. Rejection and indifference are not in themselves objectively undesirable, but rather necessary phenomena. Overall, and especially in terms of close relationships, positive acceptance and approval tend to be the exceptions. It is rather like the relationship between lock and key. Regardless of the quality of either, most keys will be rejected by any given lock, and very few will succeed in opening it. Examining the realities more closely, we recognise that nearly all professionals have no more than a relatively small clientele, and for each of us, true friendship and intimate compatibility is possible only with a few other people at best. Positive approval in a modest number of areas from those whose reactions we value is generally sufficient to make a significant contribution to our sense of purpose.

The problem lies more with the feelings than with the realities. Fear of rejection is a common human trait, for negative or indifferent reactions can cause hurt and embarrassment, particularly if they are public and unexpected. Here it is particularly necessary to avoid putting all our ‘eggs' in one ‘basket' and remain conscious of our other sources of approval. It is even more vital that our sense of meaning and purpose be tied to deeper values than superficial signs of acceptance.

Conclusion

When we seek consistency within ourselves, and harmony with the laws of the universe as we understand them, it is more likely that approval will find us without our having to look for it. We will also be less dependent on it or vulnerable to its vagaries.