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5
A LITTLE DIPLOMACY
Responding to Perceived Falsities and Distortions
There are alternative, and less offensive ways of saying the equivalent of
- 'You are a liar', or 'you are lying' or 'you are deliberately trying to mislead.'
- 'You are a fool.'
- 'You are incompetent.'
- 'You are an idiot.'
The responses below are less likely to put the other party on the personal defensive. They steer the discussion away from the personal level. They make the respondent sound more controlled, reasonable and objective, not only to the target of their response, but to other listeners within earshot. They are not directly (personally) judgemental, are constructive in suggesting ways to improve thinking and are more consistent with comfortable personal and professional relationships. However, in significant issues THE PRIORITY REMAINS THE TRUTH. Some of the following responses to false or misleading statements might be useful depending on the situation:
- ‘You are mistaken in this instance.’
- ‘I think that may be an exaggeration. / overstatement / misperception’
- ‘What you are saying is not consistent with all the facts.’
- ‘Your picture of the situation is incomplete in a number of relevant details.’
- ‘I think your memory is not accurate.’
- ‘Your reasoning does not follow.’
- ‘I think you may have been misled.’
- ‘I think one has to be careful in jumping to conclusions.’
- ‘[That other matter you have introduced] may well be the case, but it is not what we are discussing.’
- ‘I hear what you are saying, but where is the evidence?’
- ‘Following that course of action could have serious implications.’
- ‘I prefer to reserve my comments about that for the time being.’
- ‘It may appear so on the surface, but a deeper investigation would / might reveal a different picture.’
It is not necessary to correct every mistaken impression in unimportant matters. It is useful to have an open policy never to confirm, deny or discuss rumours about oneself, and never participate in rumour-mongering about anyone else.
Managing the Expectations of Others
A standpoint of humility (which is not an air of grovelling or subservience, but slight dignified understatement) is much more comfortable and secure, and personally ‘lighter’ as a burden than living perpetually in fear of not being able to deliver what one appears to promise.
Some ways of managing the expectations of the listener or receiver of the service:
- ‘I will listen carefully and give you as accurate and complete a response as I can.’
- ‘Let me look into it more thoroughly and
a) I shall call you back when I have more information, or
b) Call me back on [some specific date and time] and I may have further information, or
c) That is beyond the scope of my expertise, but you could enquire with [someone you believe could help].’
- ‘I can give you an intuitive answer that might be helpful, but it may not be rigorously correct.’
- ‘I will listen and try to point you in the right direction as best I can.’
- ‘I can give you an answer that would satisfy me, but it may not satisfy you.’
- More frequent use of words and phrases such as ‘may’, ‘might’, ‘could’, ‘is likely to’, ‘probably’, ‘possibly’, ‘tends to suggest’, rather than making categorical statements of which one is less than certain.
Having Realistic Personal and Mutual Expectations
In some occupations, less than (say) an 85% ‘first round’ service delivery from a professional could suggest a degree of incompetence. 95% is usually excellent. No professional can deliver 100% service guaranteed without fault, especially on a first round attempt at solving a problem. What can be expected of a professional, is that he takes the responsibility to complete what he has promised and repair any mistakes he has made. In general, a professional can take responsibility for the quality of service within the developed ‘state of the art’ of his profession, and must be honest with his client as to what the current practical limits are. He cannot take responsibility for the client’s problem and lead the client to expect services he may not be able to deliver. Nevertheless, he should take a genuine interest in the client’s problem within economical limits.
Perfection is impossible except in rare instances, and perfectionism is extremely costly and unproductive in the overall picture. A knowledgeable professional can usually answer 80% of enquiries from his head, 90% from a notebook, 95% from a well organised file and 98% if he carries a very large continually updated library around with him. Clearly, the additional cost of approaching 100% performance far outweighs the additional benefit. The figures may not represent all fields but the principles are the same.
Negotiation
A few basic principles:
- Never make a concession without demanding a concession
- Do your research on the needs and wants of the other party. The extent to which you can fulfil or withhold them is your bargaining power. Get advice on the dominant negotiating style in the geographical, occupational and cultural area. If possible, talk with others who have had negotiations with that party.
- Be honest with yourself as to what you can and cannot compromise.
- Make your initial price higher than your bottom line, as it is easier to let them beat you down to it than it is for you to sustain your first price against all opposing forces.
- Be patient, don’t communicate urgency, and be prepared to walk away having given and received nothing. Never make an agreement while you have reservations.
- Ask for what you want and never give a reason. Negotiation is not begging.
- It is generally best to confine communication to polite, moderate and firm language that is unambiguous. Avoid showing spontaneous signs of emotion, as these tend to reveal your stronger needs and aversions, giving more power to the other party.
- Avoid calling your opponent’s bluff, or making threats you are not prepared to carry out.
- When in doubt, ask for more time and use it fruitfully: Consult advisers, do more research and build a more complete picture of the situation.
Unless It Is Necessary
Some actions tend to put a person into a more vulnerable and disadvantaged position, and unless there are overriding reasons of far greater importance in a deeper, broader and longer-term context, they are best avoided. The following is a suggested but incomplete list of behaviours anyone, particularly a professional, should try to avoid unless it is necessary:
- Breaking the law.
- Using force or destructive behaviour.
- Displaying anger or aggression.
- Irritating or harming others or their interests.
- Taking dangerous risks.
- Getting into debt.
- Surrendering his power.
- Telling lies.
- Revealing secrets or breaking confidences.
- Breaking promises.
The Issue of Trust
The moral and ethical imperative obliges us to pursue the best interests of all parties that may be affected by any decisions we make. However, it does not oblige us to trust anyone. Wisdom dictates that we should trust any person only to the extent that we know them unless it is necessary in a particular instance. In such a situation, we need to be consciously aware of the risks and be prepared to accept the consequences.
When dealing with a potential adversary or possible source of threat, it is essential that we prepare ourselves for all of their capabilities regardless of their declared intentions. The stated intentions may change, the power could fall into the wrong hands or a new situation may evolve that changes a peaceful coexistence into an uneasier one.
It is also unwise to believe any important piece of information regardless of its origin. It should always be confirmed from at least one other independent source, whether that be another authority, ones own observation and experience or personal common sense. There may be no malicious intentions but the person from whom the information originates can be mistaken, we might have misunderstood them or the message may have become distorted through the communication process. When two or more independent sources concur, the reliability of the information generally increases substantially, the likelihood of blame and recriminations is reduced and better relations are maintained.
The central issue is not one of advocating active suspicion or open distrust of a general kind, for trust is an essential component of efficient harmonious close relationships in all areas of life. What is needed is an awareness that trust must be based on both the loyalty and competence of the person being trusted. Even within families, one of these may be present without the other in any particular area. Your loving partner may never dream of hurting you, but they might have a habit of losing important items.
Conclusion
Diplomacy is a vast discipline and only a few of its applications have been touched on here. However, it needs to be practiced in all areas of life, not only at high levels of government in foreign affairs. It is essentially about wisdom and the effective use of power to optimize the whole picture of ones interests in the longer term. It is not only about what we say, how we say it and what we do not say, but about all aspects of our behaviour in relation to others.
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